“Don’t let the sun go down without saying thank you to someone, and without admitting to yourself that absolutely no one gets this far alone.” ~Stephen King

Dear Universe,

Thanksgiving week is upon us and it’s always my favorite time of year!

I remember last year, my husband, son and I hopped in the car to travel to be with family. It was the first year we were going out of state for the holiday. Anyway, as my husband drove, I jumped on my Instagram stories to wish everyone a happy holiday, and I shared what I just did above—that this was my favorite day of the year and I was looking forward to celebrating it.

Immediately, I received a private message back. “You know, not everyone has a good holiday, likes the holiday or has a family to spend it with. Just an FYI.”

I was taken aback. Two things became obvious in that moment.

1. Clearly this person didn’t know a thing about me.
2. Social media gives this illusion that we are close with people or know everything about them. (Spoiler alert: That’s not true.) But having this illusion makes us more susceptible to make false judgments and opinions of others lives.

I thought of how if this person knew some of the hells I’ve had to crawl my way out of, or how some of my Thanksgivings were dark, depressing and terrible to experience, he would have never said that to me.

Instead, he may look at my current outlook and be inspired by it. He might think—wow, if she can find happiness, then maybe I can or will too.

Because yes. Part of the reason I enjoy the holiday so much is because I have perspective on my side. When things are going well in my life, I appreciate them more because of what I’ve been through.

And when things aren’t going well in my life, I still find anything to be grateful for. Because I’ve discovered something along the way. I’ve discovered that the more I focus on the good, the easier it is to find it. The more I give thanks for my blessings, the more my blessings multiply.

The same is true for negativity. The second I let one negative thought creep in, is the same moment when a host of other negative, no-good thoughts feel they can just slip right in, inundating me, and pushing me towards a spiral of self-doubt, debilitating fear and all encompassing sadness.

I know I’m not the only one who experiences this.

I think so often we see people who seem positive or who are sharing positivity with the world and we make assumptions about them. We think they must be clueless, or that nothing bad has ever happened to them, or that they have lost touch with reality. We think they just don’t understand how bad we’ve had it and that we could never be operating on that same, seemingly far-fetched level of happiness.

We never stop to imagine that perhaps this person is talking to us having come out of the other side. Perhaps their survival is meant to be proof for us—proof that another alternative is possible. Perhaps this person isn’t just spewing positivity to be cliché, but because this person is actually sharing a little bit of his or her truth.

I know that’s where I’m coming from.

I made a decision a long time ago when I was presented this as an option: bitter or better?

I sat in bitter for a while. Anger became my friend, but it didn’t look good on me. Resentfulness seeped out of my pores, and after a while I didn’t like the smell of it.

And so bitter had to go. I decided—because it is a choice—to try to be better instead. I decided that if I could help even one person look at his or her life in a more positive way, or if my words, (blog posts, inspirational quotes, motivational talks, jewelry pieces, etc.) could be the lifeline someone is praying for at that very moment, then all the tragedy and pain I experienced wouldn’t have been in vain.

It wasn’t an instant, poof, I’m positive now, transformation. It was just that—a transformation. Looking to be better became a day-to-day purpose. Some days it was a struggle; some days it was a little easier. But always it was this—a commitment to wake up each day and try again.

After a while, it didn’t feel so much like trying. It felt more natural. Instead of a mask I was putting on, a costume to hide who I was underneath the positivity, it just became me. A newer version of me? Perhaps. But I also think it was the me I had always been, who was just buried under a lot of muck. In trying to do and be better, I found I just had to return to and be myself.

Months later that same person reached out again. This time he criticized me for being fake and not loving. At this point, I couldn’t see why he was still following me if I made him so angry, but the same idea popped into my head. He doesn’t know me.

Let me be frank. Only a handful of people truly know me. Maybe a handful and a half. Those are the people who beared witness to those dark days, or who met me afterwards but got to know my history and how I came to be the me I am today.

Why don’t more people know all the darkness I’ve endured? Why don’t I share that on social media?

Because that’s also a choice. I am choosing to stay in the present as much as possible. The past is painful. It is also unavoidable since it’s in my DNA and as much a part of me as anything else. That means that the past always comes to mind anyway. It always will.

Past memories, hurts, confusions, unresolved outcomes and unanswered questions pop in on the morning commute to work, or when I finally close my eyes to sleep after a long day, and a dozen other unexpected moments in between. Everyday the past visits. And everyday I could easily invite it to stay a while, to get cozy and pull up a chair, but I don’t.

I choose to honor the here and now. I choose to find the blessings in my life currently. I try not to think too long on things that will drag me back into the dark abyss of bitterness. I don’t miss it there.

It’s easy to want to defend or prove myself when these social media comments come out of nowhere to attack me (not that it’s often, but even one can make you pause.) But I realize it’s not an attack of me. It’s just an attack of the message.

So instead of shouting back my rap sheet of traumas and tragedies to prove I am not phony, or to prove that in the here and now I am coming from a loving place, I choose to say a silent prayer for that person.

Let them release the bitter. Let them see the better side of things.

What other choice is there?

Please feel the sincerity coming through from my screen to yours when I wish all of you a happy, peaceful Thanksgiving holiday. May it be exactly what you need it to be. And may gratitude fill your heart, if even for a moment, and may that feeling expand and multiply.

With Gratitude,